"Cow" Copyright 2000 Andrew Hornischer
A Visit from Publishers Something or Other_
(Super Sunday, Deep in America)
They were so confident I’d go berserk-
jump up & down and (like all the others)
shout: "Jesus Christ! and Holy Shit!"
(which of course they’d edit out
in favor of "I can’t believe it!")-
They even brought along a paramedic.
Seems GRAND PRIZE WINNERS usually
faint and must be slapped about a bit-
before they’ll yield ten seconds of pure yahoo.
A man famous for hawking low-cost
life insurance to the terminally-ill poked
a mike in my face: "DAVID ALPAUGH
of PLEASANT HILL, CALIFORNIA?
Do YOU know who’s in your driveway?"
"PUBLISHERS SOMETHING OR OTHER
(It’s painted on your van). And YOU, old
scumbag, are their barker, ED MCMAHON."
"Hah. Hah. And do YOU know what
brings us to PLEASANT HILL on this
beautiful SOOOOPER SUNDAY?"
"Complete with VIDEO CREW?
Either you’ve lost A SCREW and hope to
sell me more than twelve issues of COSMO
or I’ve had the misfortune to WIN
one of your FULSOME PRIZES."
"Our GRAND PRIZE WINNER’s a
COMIC, FOLKS! (Heeeere’s JOHNNIE!)
And here’s a 32-FOOT JUMBO CHECK
made out to MR. DAVID ALPAUGH!
Any idea, DAVID, why this check is
Any idea how much MONEEE you’ve won?"
"TEN MILLION DOLLARS, I suppose,
but I’m just guessing. I consider presorted
telegrams OXYMORONIC-so never
open YOURS. But keep ’EM coming.
They make great POOPER-SCOOPERS!"
(Here A FRANTIC PRODUCER motions
to MCMAHON. THEY confer, then ED
trots back, dangling his mike, bleating):
"Can WE talk to MISSSUS ALPAUGH???"
"Hey, HONEY, ED MCMAHON’S here.
Says we’ve won TEN MILLION DOLLARS.
Do YOU have time to talk to HIM?"
"Is ED MCMAHON crazy?
I’M watching THE DENVER BRONCOS
demythologize THE GREEN BAY PACKERS!
Tell HIM to come back NEXT WEEK."
"Sorry, ED. You know how involved THESE
WOMEN get in their dumb football games.
And, ED? the 32-FOOT JUMBO CHECK?
the one that derrick is about to plop on
my lawn for ALL AMERICA to see?
Could you fold it in halves; then quarters;
then eighths; then sixteenths; and mail
it to my P.O. Box? I’D appreciate IT
if WE could keep THIS as quiet as possible."
David Alpaugh copyright 2000
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