Ira Joel Haber © 2006 All Rights Reserved
of man. Every inch—no, every pica of a man’s beard
is inhabited by a hair, rooted in place, growing constantly.
For those lucky men for whom this is true, there is nothing
quite so satisfying as a ‘clean shave.’ Suddenly, such a
man has the face of a baby—you can pinch it, or caress it,
or give it a good slap—all are equally satisfying—that velvety
face innocence belies the hair-to-pica ratio richness that could
blossom into a melange or menagerie or—what’s the other word?
Oh yes: an entre-nous of billowy beard were it to be left unattended,
at which point, a clean shave is the only way to go.
Someone in the audience asked what the difference is between
a ‘close’ and a ‘clean’ shave. Before I answer that, let me mention
two details that I neglected to mention earlier: 1: given the choice
between eternal life and a full, rich beard, most men choose the
beard: for the beard is immortal, isn’t it? You’d have to go along
with it. This is sort of a trick question. 2: and this is particularly
important: pinch or caress such a man, but do not slap.
Remember, the full, rich beard is immortal, and it will haunt you,
and someday, your heirs. Or, if not, and at the very least, guys
with big beards tend to slap back.
RICKY GARNI is a graphic designer living in Carrboro, North Carolina. His work can be found in publications such as Defenestration, Eyeshot, Zafusy, and Mad Hatter’s Review as well as crispyworld.blogspot.com.
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